The Most “Important” Night of the Year!

Forget Libs, I’m complaining about the Oscars ’cause they suck.


Well folks, the Oscars are upon us. Right now, in fact. Jimmy Kimmel didn’t hesitate for a moment to tell multiple jokes about our country’s President, an early one about his bowel movements. Hooray.


We all know what’s coming. We all know the virtue-signaling about to be thrust upon us. And we all know that many of our reactions to it will be humorously over-the-top – on both sides. The zombie sheep will treat every Trump attack as the “I have a dream” speech’s equivalent, while the truther-troll-troupe ™(just made that up) will treat them as a new Cuban Missile Crisis – where the missiles are laser-guided-children-targeting-trannies.


I’ve read that Trump supporters are trying to boycott the Oscars this year. I’m not doing that, I’m going to watch for sure. Not because I love movies, which I do, but I’m watching to grieve. Like it’s a funeral.


In an early podcast (maybe after the Golden Globes?), I mentioned that I thought the Oscars were the last holdout for “award integrity.” All politics aside, from other top artistic awards (like the Grammys, ‘Globes, or Emmy’s) all the way to praising of athletes, journalists, or government employees of the month, adulation-securing recognition hasn’t required actual merit since – well, since the internet. Since then, celebrity awards have always been about what I call the 3 “p’s”: Popularity, Politics, and Pretentiousness. But not only that, the categories have become completely diluted:

  • Musicians with 4 albums win Best New Artist.
  • Taylor Swift’s Country albums win for Pop categories while her Pop albums win for Country. #SoFierce.
  • Five TV shows comprise all nominees for seemingly EVERY category
  • ‘Modern Family’ is categorized as a “comedy” (this generous consideration is surprisingly NOT a punch line).

But even with these other mediums lowering the bar, Oscars-past had generally been a stalwart of the arts. Category variety was extensive; amazing films were sometimes excluded from nomination, just…because. Actors who delivered iconic performances walked away empty-handed. But the thing was, shocking snubs by the Academy were almost always inarguable next to the true winner’s better achievement. And not only the winners, but the nominees also seemed to represent legitimate excellence in their field. That’s how, despite their own surprise, even the counter-cultured South Park movie was (rightfully) nominated for an Oscar. Because it’s awesome. Because that’s what Brian Boitano’d do.


Tonight, that ends. It may’ve actually begun years before, but this is the official funeral, as far as I see it. Everybody’s left the cemetery, the people lowering ‘ole Oscar into the ground are taking their time, maximizing their hourly wage.


WHAT  in the name of Mel Gibson happened ?!


We’ve got an Instagram-filtered,+brightness-up-to-100 musical nominated for 14 Academy Awards. The stars of that musical can’t sing a note to save their lives, and they’re BOTH nominated for their top acting awards. Who knows, maybe now they can even qualify for BOTH awards?! These days, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn Gosling beat Streep for Best Actress and Stone bested Gosling for Best Actor! Because if not then the Oscars are obviously sexist. It really should be just one award: Best Act-{xi/zir/amorphous/gend/er}. “But then how would we give out so many?! Never mind, forget the ‘gender’ stuff, these awards are too important!”


Oh and by the way, no one can name one song from ‘La La Land.’ You’d think that with 14 nominations, at least ONE hook from La La Land would have made it to my ears by now, or at least exist somewhere in pop-culture/internet radio play. Nope, but…Best Everything! I thought for a musical, that’s supposed to take a whole lot more. Eat it, ‘West Side Story.’


We’ve got an alien movie up for best picture. BEST PICTURE! Alien movies have only ever been considered for special or makeup effects, and begrudgingly at that. Now this alien movie could win the highest award possible in Cinema. Oh and by the way, there aren’t really aliens in this alien movie. And they’re not the bad guys, either – we’re the bad guys (of course)…for not speaking foreign languages…because that’s why the aliens travelled 8 million light years…to tell us we’re racist…in this alien movie…


Ben Affleck’s little brother is in competition with Ryan Gosling to see who can show the least possible human emotions for Best Actor. They’re also up against Spiderman himself (who earned his seat by pretending to be someone who hates guns as much as the Academy does [though I do really want to see ‘Silence’]), Aragorn (who’s still on his way back from Mordor), and Denzel (who I actually think is a closet-Conservative so terrified of getting Vince Foster’d he made an extra-black movie for white Liberals to praise and feel good about themselves…[really though, I’m very much looking forward to seeing ‘Fences’ sometime soon, it looks awesome!]).


Meryl Streep could win the Oscar for Best Actress, but not for any film she’s done lately. But rather, for her off-screen live action portrayal of someone that actually matters to society, when their hidden anemic soullessness reeks of feculence. Though, that’s only if Emma Stone fails to *fake-lisp+fake-melodyne* her way to fake-immortality. Well, not if Natalie Portman has anything to say about it. Remember, she played that other deified First Lady who turned her head while her Democrat President “husband” schtooped everything within a 50 ft. radius, so…HERO! I guess? But I think that one’ll actually go to Viola Davis, because, you know, #OscarsSoWhite. It’d sure as better, those bigots. The Oscars are so incredibly racist, even if they do award her with top-honors. So racist that black actors and themes occupy 20%-40% of nominees for every major award, yet 13% of the nation’s population. Hmm…***(I picture Jada at home yelling at the TV, “That’ll teach Y’ALL to snub my Will again!” Will silently weeps close by, careful not to startle The Jada, terrified for his life…)***


And all this snark has yet to even mention the ‘shoo-ins’: Nicole Kidman (now only 73% organic), Michelle Williams (making the most of her ‘Heath-Ledger-Lifetime-Oscars-Voucher’), or Jeff Bridges (who has yet to learn that “True Grit” was a movie and not a lifestyle choice). There used to not be any shoo-ins. That’s why it was such a big deal. The new standard: Has anyone heard of you?


*NOMINATION!!* “Hey, thanks for agreeing to lose, we’ll get you one or seven in the next couple years, we pinky-promise!”


And why? Because these people and these films are the greatest of the great? That the movies they produced are of higher quality than any others? “The best-of-the-best-of-the-best, SIR!”? No, sadly that day is over. It probably happened when rookies Three-Six Mafia beat Martin Scorcese to his first gold-guy. Dude made ‘Goodfellas’, and he had to wait his turn behind ‘Hard out here for a pimp’. Tonight, and for the foreseeable future, we can rest assured that artistic awards of merit will never again be granted to a name we have not already overhyped.


Breaking that rule I just set, the competition for Best Director now parallels NBA coaching gigs (sans Mel Gibson). Their names are as irrelevant as the next unfortunate soul to be  h[f]ired  by LeBron James. Yet we just can’t wait to glorify another underachieving ‘Film Studies’ major as the next Scorcese, when we probably won’t hear from them them again until they run out of money and sign on for ‘Transformers 8: OPTIMUS BANKRUPT.’


Let’s also not forget ‘Moonlight’ and ‘Lion’, two movies I haven’t seen yet. But all of these movies were locked into their nomination spots before the first call of “ACTION!” These movies are the Storytellers’ final attempt to hang on to the deceptively influential medium people finally got wise to. The election of Donald Trump showed Hollywood something it’s never seen in its history:


We don’t care what these people THINK they know about politics anymore.


Dissent being totally foreign to these elitists, the only reaction they know of is to double down.


So tonight, I’m not concerned about the old, phony political stances nobody listens to anymore, from either side. I’ll watch, and laugh, and grieve. And laugh at unhinged liberals some more. And grieve for the death of art some more. The final death of art, the final hope to preserve integrity of this human artistic achievement that I’ve always considered the most difficult to execute – making incredible movies – is finally extinguished. Thanks, Obama.


Besides, everyone knows who’s really responsible for a movie’s greatness…




P.S.…JT is currently singing terribly, so I’ll make it quick…the REAL thing to watch for tonight is what happens if publicly admonished anti-Semite/film genius Mel Gibson wins Best Director for Hacksaw Ridge, the terribly disguised anti-gun propaganda. Will the Hollywood Liberals cheer for his hate of guns? Boo for his hate of Jews? Who they also hate, because, you know, Muslims? My money’s on spontaneous combustion. I’ll give odds!



29 year old musician-turned-podcaster, Conservative thinker, and truth seeker. Also single, ;)

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